Computer Geek Rules

I had a little downtime at work this afternoon and decided to browse the internet. During my absent-minded surfing, I ran across an article enumerating Ten Reasons It Doesn't Pay to be the Computer Guy. Anyone who has already been dubbed "computer guy" should read this for a little bit of commiseration and comic relief. If you're not a "computer guy" and come to me asking for help, you will be required to read this before I even consider answering your question. And after you read that, I will make you read another rant of mine. These articles will help you determine if it's still worth asking my advice. If, after reading these two items, you still want my help, fine. But there are some rules you will need to follow from this moment forward.

Back up your critical data. If you have a digital picture of Fido as a puppy that you can't possibly live without, back it up. A hard drive is a mechanical device, and mechanical devices fail. Your local computer geek would rather spend 20 to 30 minutes helping you prepare for the worst than spending countless hours trying to recover something that is most likely gone forever. If your computer geek gave you this sage advice and you didn't follow it because you were too cheap to spend the extra $100 on an extra hard drive, or because you kept killing your backup job so you could play solitaire online and the backup slowed this down, then you had better be prepared to pay -- with money, beer, soda or food -- and you'd better be psychologically prepared to hear "It's gone for good."

Get virus protection. If When your friendly computer geek tells you to get virus protection, GET IT! Believe it or not, this is for your own good. We do NOT get a percentage of the profits from the Anti-Virus companies and like the saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Best case scenario, we can fix the problem in a half hour or so. Worst case, we have to erase everything on your hard drive -- including the aforementioned picture of Fido as a puppy. And if you ignore our advice about Anti-Virus, you had better be prepared to pay -- with money, beer, soda or food -- and you'd better be psychologically prepared to hear "It's gone for good." By the way, there are a few free Anti-Virus programs that are just as good as the big name brands. Any computer geek worth his salt will know of at least one.

If you come to us with a problem, be prepared to sit with us and watch what we're doing from start to finish. Don't expect that you can drop by, leave the broken machine in our laps and commence with your day. We may have questions for you along the way, we may want you to see just how complicated your problem is by making you hang out with us, or we may want to torture you by tying up your valuable time, just like you're using up ours. Or we may tell you to go away because we work faster alone. Either way, this is our choice, not yours. And if you mysteriously show up at our door, you had better be prepared to pay -- with money, beer, soda or food -- and you'd better be psychologically prepared to hear "It's gone for good." Sometimes erasing everything and starting over is the only fix.

Listen to our advice. If you don't then you had better be prepared to pay -- with money, beer, soda or food -- and you'd better be psychologically prepared to hear "It's gone for good."

If you keep coming to us with the same problem -- especially if it's something that you could have prevented by backing up your data or installing an Anti-Virus program, don't be surprised when our prices start mysteriously going up or if it starts taking longer and longer for your computer to be fixed. This is our way of telling you need to listen to us.

Believe it or not, we have lives beyond computers. Don't be offended if I politely decline the opportunity to work on your computer, regardless of how much you are prepared to pay, whether it's with money, beer, soda or food. I'd rather see my little girl's second grade dance recital than work on your computer. This goes doubly for co-workers, casual acquaintances and friends of friends.

If you tell me about a problem and I don't offer to help, this usually means that I'm not interested in assisting you. Giving you advice on how to do it yourself is NOT a roundabout way of offering to help. This is my subtle attempt to politely get you to go away (or at least stop talking about computers) as quickly yet tactfully as possible.

If you want free help, I recommend using the internet or talking to someone who is still learning about computers. For most of us, this has been our job for years. The last thing we want to do is go home, only to be bombarded by more work-type stuff.

If you do go for the free route, don't expect miracles. There's a reason these people work for free... they're young and inexperienced, and they'd rather trash your machine than their own. "You get what you pay for" isn't a totally meaningless phrase designed to get you to spend more money.

There is more than one type of computer nerd. Just like cars have different types of specialists (engine mechanics, transmission specialists, body shops and so forth), computers require specialization as well. Don't ask a programmer how to configure your home router, and don't get offended if a networking guy can't make your macro work. You don't ask a brain surgeon to fix your fillings, do you?

No matter how much you think we're worth, whether it's money, beer, soda or food, be prepared to double that amount, otherwise you're twice as likely to hear "It's gone for good." The amount of time and effort we're willing to spend is directly proportional to how well we're paid.

If we want more than you're willing to pay, whether it's with money, beer, soda or food, don't tell us "The Geek Squad can do it better (and/or for less money). If you really thought that was the case, why did you come to us in the first place? Remember, the Geek Squad's job is to crank through as many PCs as possible in the minimum amount of time. They work for a corporation whose primary purpose in life is to make money. If you think they can do a better job, then take it to them.

You may have noticed a recurring theme throughout these rules. If not, then read this post again... and again if necessary, until you catch what I'm trying to say. Believe it or not, your local computer geek is human. We have interests outside of computers, whether they be human interaction, money, beer, soda or food. Humans are reward-driven creatures... yes, even computer geeks. So if you want our assistance that's okay. But it's not okay to expect that we'll constantly fix your problems for free. You had better be prepared to pay, whether it's with money, beer, soda or food.